It gets me by the balls.

That default behavior that kicks in when certain criteria are met. Its when you start to act like they say you act, but always denying that you act that way type of behavior. Shit dude, what is it that keeps me from correcting behavior like this?! I don't want to fall back on old habits and routines. Its just not what I want. I feel as if I know what it is I have to do but its just not that simple when action is called for. The worse part about this issue is that it mostly happens with people that I really enjoy. That lack of patience that is present when two people are accustomed to being aground each other way to much and clash for everything and nothing all the time. I always end up falling into that self imposed trap, do, feel or say things I shouldn't be, and feel bad about it when I think of it in retrospect.

Update:
I almost feel mad at it. Really mad, its disturbing to feel like this. It almost makes me not want anything with anyone. When I am feeling like this, it seems that every thought, every instance of remembrance is a trigger of bitterness. Sometimes I don't know how to get it out. I used to blog more but its lost its luster a bit. It feels like if a drastic change is what is needed. Then I feel like if I know how that road ends. It ends ugly. I need a drink.

Its been long time

Miss this blog man. Been so caught up in my life that I have been ignoring my need to express myself creativly. This blog is just one of the ways I do that. The others would include sketching & photography. Lost in the wind or should I say spreading my sails and letting it take me where ever I may end up. Many of my views have changed and my plans are not as concrete as they once were. People, places, things, and Ideas have opened my eyes to the new. I have been up, down, I have been all over the place.