That default behavior that kicks in when certain criteria are met. Its when you start to act like they say you act, but always denying that you act that way type of behavior. Shit dude, what is it that keeps me from correcting behavior like this?! I don't want to fall back on old habits and routines. Its just not what I want. I feel as if I know what it is I have to do but its just not that simple when action is called for. The worse part about this issue is that it mostly happens with people that I really enjoy. That lack of patience that is present when two people are accustomed to being aground each other way to much and clash for everything and nothing all the time. I always end up falling into that self imposed trap, do, feel or say things I shouldn't be, and feel bad about it when I think of it in retrospect.
Update:
I almost feel mad at it. Really mad, its disturbing to feel like this. It almost makes me not want anything with anyone. When I am feeling like this, it seems that every thought, every instance of remembrance is a trigger of bitterness. Sometimes I don't know how to get it out. I used to blog more but its lost its luster a bit. It feels like if a drastic change is what is needed. Then I feel like if I know how that road ends. It ends ugly. I need a drink.
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